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This programme
contains some strong language.

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and you gave without taking

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from shaking

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oh, Mandy...

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My word. I've never seen
one as long as this before.

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That's what she said.

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HE CHORTLES

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That's what who said?

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Doesn't matter.

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I found it leaning
against the side of a chimney.

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No-one seemed to own it
so I thought I'd just take it.

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Finders keepers an' all that.

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Help!

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I wonder if you
could do a little job for me?

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I've got some trouble with my spire.

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- Go on.
- It's got a huge bird's nest on it.

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I've asked local roofing firms
if they could remove it

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but they say that modern
safety methods,

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and the fact that they just make
the prices up,

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means they can't do
it for less than £50,000.

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And unfortunately, even though
the Church of England is

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one of the biggest landowners
in the country, we can't afford it.

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AND we've got the Songs Of Praise
lot turning up on Sunday to film.

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Songs Of Praise?

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I don't suppose you would be willing
to use your ladder

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to get rid of the nest?

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I would go up myself
but I'm afraid of heights.

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How much?

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Well, um...

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- WHISPERS:
- I shit myself
if I go above two storeys.

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No, I mean how much for the job?

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Oh, I see. Well...

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Christ was a simple man, he didn't
preach the gospel of greed and...

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60 quid?

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40?

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SPITS

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Done.

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BIRD SQUAWK

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Right, let's get this shifted.

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HE LAUGHS

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Mandy, how many times must
I tell you not to

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bring your ladder in here?

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This is a professional nail salon,

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not whatever sort of place you
should keep a very long ladder.

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Sorry, Lol, but I can't leave
that lying around.

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That little baby's my meal
ticket out of here.

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- How do you mean?
- I think I might
have found my true calling, Lol.

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I love being high up.

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It's just me,
the birds and God up there.

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Mandy! I thought it was you.

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Could you bring your ladder back
tomorrow, please?

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My crucifix is bent and I want
everything to be

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perfect for Songs Of Praise.

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Songs Of Praise? I have always
wanted to go one that show.

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Especially after they rejected me
from The Traitors,

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Race Around The World

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and Naked Attraction.

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Can I come along for the show?

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We're already full, I'm afraid.

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We've had to give priority to
regular churchgoers.

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But I am a regular churchgoer,

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I go to the jumble sale
every January.

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HE LAUGHS

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- What about it, Mandy?
- Maybe.

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God will smile on your good deeds.

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40 quid?

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40 quid, and Lola and I get
to come along to Songs Of Praise.

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- Well, erm...
- Good seats, mind, front row.

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No restricted view.
Premier plus seats,

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you know, the ones with the
cup-holders and massage chairs.

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Deal?

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Doh!

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CHUCKLES

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Oh! Done.

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See you tomorrow.

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That is very good of you, Mandy,
but I worry about you.

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You don't even wear safety
equipment.

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Safety equipment's for
snowflakes, Lola.

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Snowflakes and
the so-called professionals.

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If I slip and die, I slip and die.

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We've all got to go sometime - why
not go whilst falling off a ladder

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without a harness in an accident
that was easily preventable?

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I think that's shit, Mandy.

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How dare you!

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No, Mandy, I think that is shit.

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Bird shit on your shoulder.

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Yeah, it will be.

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Closer to the birds, aren't I?

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Oh, go home, Mandy,
you're a hygiene hazard.

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This is a three-star establishment.

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I'll go an have a shower.

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Ugh!

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SUSPENSEFUL, HITCHCOCK-STYLE MUSIC

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CHICK TWEETS

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RAVEN CAWS

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Oh, fucking hell, more bird shit.

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I'm not even up there yet.

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BIRDS CAW

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Hang on. What is that?

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Oh, my word!

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I never thought
I'd see one of those.

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What the fuck is it doing
in her hair?

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RAVEN CAWS

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Mandy.

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Thanks for coming in.

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I got a text you wanted to see me.

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And a letter.
And a message on the portal.

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And a phone call.
And another letter.

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And a WhatsApp.

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- So I just got the sense
you wanted to see me.
- Yes, I did.

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Um, have you been working at all?

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No.

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Are you sure?
Because if you have been working,

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then it will affect your
benefit payments

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and you could be charged with fraud.

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Draud? What's that?

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No, fraud.

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We've had a message saying that
you've been seen doing

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odd jobs around the church.

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Who's been saying that?

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Someone left a message
on our anonymous draud frotline...

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- ..fraud hotline.
- Who was it?

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It's anonymous, I didn't know,
they didn't leave their name.

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The voice did sound familiar,
actually.

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Like it was someone off the telly.

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- Oh, it's probably just someone who's
got it in for me.
- Who would that be?

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You don't get where I am today
without making a few enemies.

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"Where you are today?"

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Mandy, you're sitting in
a Jobcentre,

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you haven't had unemployment
since you left school.

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Exactly. And yet still I have
enemies at every turn.

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Imagine how many enemies really
successful people have,

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like Vladimir Putin
or Rick Edwards

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or that man from Succession.

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You think he's successful cos he's
in a show called Succession?

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OK, so you haven't been working?

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How many more times, no!

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So, what's the ladder for then?

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What ladder?

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That ladder, there,
that you brought in.

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Oh, right, that, yeah.

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No, I'm looking after
it for a friend.

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Mandy, this is serious, OK?

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If you've been doing a job
while claiming benefits,

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- then that is a crime.
- A crime?

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So what if I've been fixing the
church roof up for a few extra quid?

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- Right.
- It's hardly the crime of
the century, is it?

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It's hardly crooked,
million-pound PPE contracts, is it?

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Or billionaires hiding their money
abroad to avoid paying tax, is it?

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Or Prince Philip
assassinating Lady Di, is it?

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No. But as ever, the rich get
away with it

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and you go after the small fry.
Yeah, the easy meat,

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the Mandy Carters of the world,
who are just trying to struggle

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through the cost of living crisis
as best they can.

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Well, if that isn't the real crime,
then I don't know what is!

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On Judgment Day, who do you think
God's going to punish?

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The poor woman who fixed
the church roof up

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so she could afford
some fucking cheese, or you,

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who pursued and punished her
and sent her to an early grave?

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You're no better than me
but you side with the rich

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cos you think you're like them,
but you're not.

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They're laughing
at you doing their dirty work

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while they party on their
megayachts, drinking caviar

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and eating supermodels.

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What a little man you are!

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Yeah, that's stopped you in your
tracks, hasn't it?

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That's made you think, hasn't it?

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No, it's, Mandy, you've got...

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- There's something in your hair.
- Don't try and distract me,

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you petite bourgeois stooge.

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Erm, look, I'm just going to put
"No further action needed".

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Thank you!

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- Best take that with you.
- Oh, yeah. Cheers.

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RAVENS CAW

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What's she doing?

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Oh, my God.

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BIRDS CAW

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Fucking bird shit, bastards.

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Hello! Ah, so many new faces!

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I hope it's not just because you
want to be on Songs Of Praise!

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No, no, no. I love Jesus Christ.

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Where are the cameras?

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Hello, hello...

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Hello, I'm Aled Jones,
and welcome to Songs Of Praise.

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We're delighted to be in

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the wonderful old
Church of St Stephen's.

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And now for our first hymn,
All Things Bright And Beautiful.

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- CHOIR AND MANDY SING:
-

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- ALED:
- Well, there seems to be some
disturbance

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in the church this afternoon,

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some feathered friends
have snuck in.

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But don't worry,
they're all God's creatures.

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BIRDS SQUEAL

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00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,800


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00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:39,000
For God's sake, what did you think
was going to happen?

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00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,040
You've broken every rule in the
bird-watching book -

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MY book - Michaela Strachan's

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00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,360
Guidebook To Birds Of Great
Britain and Northern Ireland.

207
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,840
What's going on?

208
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:55,280
She's had a protected
and rare bird nesting in her hair.

209
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:59,120
- Protected bird?
- The great crested eagle chick.

210
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,080
It would've grown to be
the largest bird in Europe.

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00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,760
And she's probably got more
nesting in that beehive of hers.

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00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,560
So, I'm sorry, but there's
only one thing for it -

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I'm going to have to shoot your
friend and let the birds live in

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00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,840
the hair of her decaying body.

215
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,040
No! You cannot shoot this woman!

216
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,080
Yeah, you're probably right,
actually.

217
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,680
I tell you what, I'm just going to
blow my RSPB whistle instead.

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HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE

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00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,800
- ALED:
- And that's it for this week.

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00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,200
If you'd like to see more birds

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00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,560
attacking women in churches,
then my book -

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00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:36,040
Aled Jones's Bumper Book of Birds
Attacking Women in Churches -

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00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,560
is available now in all
good book shops.

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00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,120

the birds the bees

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00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,840


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00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,840


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00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,720


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stars in the sky

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00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,440


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your big, brown eyes...